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Tips for Parents
Talking with Children about War
War and threats of terrorist attacks arouse strong emotions in all
of us, especially children who may not understand what is happening
and who are powerless to influence events. Media coverage brings images
of conflict, tragedy and suffering right into our living rooms. All
of us, including our children, will be dealing with fear, anxiety, grief,
sadness, anger and other strong emotions. Economic uncertainty, fear
of the unpredictable and honest disagreements among fellow citizens
compound the emotional stress. Therefore, it is important to develop
long-term strategies to help ourselves and our children cope.
Things to Expect
"Maintaining Normal"
- The advice to "maintain normal" is sound. However, we
need to realize that our "normal" during these perilous
times has been redefined. We should expect an undercurrent of anxiety,
which will ebb and flow as events unfold.
- Everyone processes strong emotions differently depending on temperament
and individual circumstances.
Intense Emotions
- Expect intense emotional reactions ranging from sadness to fear
to anger. These reactions may be unpredictable, coming and going without
warning.
- There will be a greater risk for depression. Warning signs include
ongoing sleep problems, feelings of hopelessness and guilt, and extreme
sadness.
- Intense anger may make us want to strike out and look for someone
or some group to blame.
- The ongoing tension can make us grumpy or edgy with others, leading
us to "take things out" on the people closest to us.
- Feelings of sadness and fear may inhibit people from finding enjoyment.
Stress and Anxiety
- People feel more anxious when it seems like things are out of control.
This is particularly true for children.
- Uncertainty accentuates anxiety.
- Heightened anxiety can lead to difficulty sleeping, paying attention,
and remembering.
- Prolonged stress suppresses the immune system, leading to greater
susceptibility to illness.
- Many people eat more when under stress.
Coping Strategies for All Ages, Children through
Adult
Relationships
- Talk to people about what you are feeling.
- Stay connected with family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc.,
to avoid feeling isolated.
- There are many honest disagreements about policies and strategies.
Deal with disagreements without being disagreeable. Avoid personal
attacks against people with a different point of view.
- Reflect according to your religious or spiritual beliefs. Spiritual
rituals and discussions can be very important activities to do as
a family and as a community.
Education
- Learn about the issues involved in the war. Don't rely on electronic
media for all your information. Print media provide more in-depth
coverage. Seek out information from different points of view.
- Monitor your sources of information. For example, pay attention
to media that help you understand what is happening and avoid media
that simply exploit your emotions.
Health
- Watch your diet. Many people over-eat when they are under stress,
which can lead to further feelings of guilt, sadness and hopelessness.
- Get regular exercise to help relieve stress and take your mind off
the tragedy.
Activity
- Maintain a daily routine as much as possible.
- Find something constructive and/or fun to do.
Tips for Parents
- Take time to think about, and cope with, your own feelings.
- Help your children cope with their feelings by simultaneously acknowledging
their feelings and reassuring them.
- Don't try to talk children out of what they are feeling.
- Share your feelings with your children (depending on their ages),
but be careful not to look to your children for support. Avoid extreme
language when sharing your feelings or reactions.
- Talk to children about constructive ways to handle their anger.
- Let children know it's okay to ask questions. Answer their questions
directly, but do not give them more information than they need or
more than you think they can handle.
- Try to balance the attention you give to the war and unfolding events
with maintaining "normal" activities and routines at home.
- Monitor what your kids see and hear through the media to make sure
you are comfortable with the messages they are receiving based on
their age, temperament, maturity level, etc.
- Make sure your children eat well and get enough exercise and sleep.
Specific tips for each age group
Early Childhood
Even though very young babies and toddlers may not know what is going
on, they may pick up a parent's worry and anxiety with their "sixth
sense."
- Try to stay calm around babies and toddlers.
- Maintain normal routines as much as possible. Routines are reassuring
for babies.
- Shield babies and toddlers from media coverage as much as possible.
Preschoolers
Preschoolers will be more tuned in to what is happening. They may have
questions about war, terrorism, death and other topics.
- Safety is a primary concern for this age group. Reassure them that
adults are in charge and will keep them safe.
- Preschoolers are also concerned about the safety of parents, relatives,
and friends. Reassure them. Let them know your whereabouts and keep
your commitments to them.
- Preschoolers are not always able to distinguish fantasy and reality.
Limit media exposure.
- Bedtimes are very important. Stories, books and tuck-ins are crucial.
- Try to maintain your children's normal routines.
- Give them lots of hugs and physical reassurance.
Elementary School
School age children will be more aware of what is going on. They have
probably had discussions at school and with friends.
- Children this age are also concerned about their own safety, as
well as that of family and friends. Try to spend extra time together.
This will provide extra reassurance.
- Ask them if they have any questions. If they do, tell them what
you know without exaggerating or overreacting.
- Don't be surprised if they are more irritable and touchy. Be extra
patient.
- Limit TV coverage.
- Try to continue normal routines, especially at bedtime.
- It is especially important to make sure children this age do not
generalize their feelings of fear or anger toward innocent members
of ethnic or religious groups.
Middle School
Children this age will be very aware of what is going on. They will
see many war images on TV and in magazines. They are probably discussing
the war, terrorism, and related topics in school.
- Talk to your middle school children and answer any questions. This
will help you determine how much they know and may help you correct
any misinformation they might have.
- Acknowledge any feelings of fear, horror, and anger.
- Provide comfort and reassurance.
- Children this age will be more interested in what might happen in
the future. Share what you know without exaggeration. Don't burden
them with fears that you might have.
- Some children may act out scary feelings through misbehavior. Others
may become more withdrawn. Pay attention to these cues and ask them
to tell you about their feelings.
- Use historical examples (e.g. Civil War, World War II, etc.) to
explain our country has been through very difficult times before to
give them a sense of hope.
High School
High school students have probably had conversations with their peers
and teachers. They might have very legitimate fears about what this
will mean for their immediate future.
- Questions about the draft, military service, foreign policy and
the economic repercussions are all legitimate issues for this age
group. It is important to discuss these topics with them.
- Acknowledge any fear, sadness, and anger they have.
- Some teens may want to block out the whole thing. It may appear
that they do not care. This often masks real fears and feelings of
being overwhelmed.
- It is normal for teens to stay focused on the events in their own
life and may resist thinking or talking about the war. Encourage conversation
but don't force it.
- Some teens may make jokes. Humor can be a way to help them cope,
but discourage them from humor that disregards the importance of taking
the tragedy seriously.
- Some teens may be very interested in discussing the policy issues
involved. Be willing to engage them in serious discussions.
- Be careful to avoid targeting particular groups, especially people
of different nationalities or ethnic backgrounds.
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